Friday, 28 August 2009

Hilarious Exam Answers

Remember your student days? Here are some hilarious answers to exam questions, found on Highena.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.
abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E,I,
O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean Section.’
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Bugatti Diva


No, it's not a car. It's a coffee machine, because the guys at Bugatti evidently rock. Not content with producing the fastest and most fantastic car in the world, they've branched out into the world of caffeination. Which, let's face it, is as beautiful and important as supercars, no?

So here you have it: the Bugatti Diva coffee machine. It'll set you back £475 - but look at the prettiness! And when you order, you'll receive a free bag of coffee beans, two free coffee cups, and a set of after dinner mints.

Put-Pocketing

'Put-Pocketing' represents a new initiative brought into play by a team of ex-pickpockets who are now not only reformed but unusually generous. They use their old skills to travel around and place money back into the pockets of the public.

People who have been Put-Pocketed will find money - ranging from £5 to £20 - in their pocket or bag, along with a card from TalkTalk, who are sponsoring the scheme. It has been piloted in London since July 1st, and will continue there until the end of August before being rolled out across other UK cities.

And here's how they do it:

Urgent Action Appeal: Dale Farm


More than 100 families living in chalets, mobile-homes and caravans in the largest Romani and Irish Traveller community in the United Kingdom, at Dale Farm, Crays Hill, and nearby Hovefields, Essex County, are facing imminent forced eviction. Approximately 1,000 people have been residing on the estate for more than seven years, including many children. The community has been resisting forced evictions attempts by Basildon District Council (BDC) since May 2005 when it voted to clear a large part of the settlement. Although residents hold land ownership titles, sections of the site had no planning permission and Basildon Council has subsequently refused all attempts to regularise the situation, preferring the enforcement option.

Enforcement orders have been served by Basildon Council requiring plot owners to remove their homes, although previously much of the site had been lincensed as a scrap-yard. After the BDC voted to take direct action, the residents sought a judicial review and won in the High Court.

However, this judgment was overturned by the Court of Appeal in January 2009 and an appeal to the House of Lords denied.

Despite the fact the UK Government has told Basildon it is required to provide
land for a minimum of 62 additional pitches by 2011, no alternative site have been made available by Basildon District Council to which the residents can lawfully move.

The wishes of the residents are to remain where they are and not to be split up. There is a strong communal ethic, with the elderly being cared for by the younger generation and small children protected. No one, young or old, wants to be accommodated in bricks-and-mortar housing. Romanies and Travellers feel that having lost the possibility to follow the old nomadic life-style, it is essential to the preservation of their culture and ethnicity to keep Dale Farm community intact.

In line with its duties under the Housing Act 1996, it is incumbent on the BDC to consider the claim of the occupants to not be evicted as the families threatened with forced removal have no place to go.

The community is therefore seeking your support to urge the Basildon Council to:

Put on hold the forced eviction of the Dale Farm community and engage in meaningful discussions with the residents and their representatives for the purpose achieving an amicable solution;
Consider both the possibility of a) issuing planning permission to allow their permanent residence on their present properties, or b) utilizing the four million euro set aside for the eviction to provide an alternative area to which the residents can relocate.
Respect and protect the housing, property, and family rights of the Dale Farm community, and in particular the rights of the children.

Please send an appeal letter by e-mail or fax to the addresses listed below requesting the Basildon Council to act on this issue.

Basildon District Council
Mr. Bala Mahendran, Chief Executive
Basildon Centre
St. Martins Sq, Basildon, SS14 1DL, UK
Tel:+44 1268 533333

Commission for Equalities and Human Rights
Mr. Sean Risdale
Policy Advisor,
3 More London, Riverside Tooley Street
London, SE1 2RG
Tel: +44.20 3117 0235
Sean.Risdale@equalityhumanrights.com

Department for Communities and Local Government
Mr Peter Bates
Zone 7/J9
Eland House
Bressenden Place
London SW1E 5DU


Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Quiet Room

Quiet Room is a song about schizophrenia - what it's like to live with, and what can be done about it. You can download the song here, buy the book it's based on on Amazon, or visit the BC Schizophrenia Society's website.

Monday, 17 August 2009

Gypsies Face Jail for Staying In Their Home


The Hughes family live on a site in south Somerset. They own the land and have lived there peacefully for fifteen years. Now, however, the council have told them they must leave the site by August 30th, or be forcibly evicted. On the site are seven adults and nine children, including a 21-year-old disabled man. Luckily, there is a way to help. Head over to PetitionSpot and sign this petition to help them stay on the land they own and live on.


All the family wish for is to continue living on the land they own. Racial discrimination against Roma people seems to be the one widely-accepted form of racism left in this country and across Europe. Help put an end to it by signing this petition to help the Hughes family.

Friday, 14 August 2009

You Are Being Watched


I wish I knew where this came from, because it's terrifying. I found it at Bitterwallet.They should put these up around London; the statistics on Londoners being caught on CCTV are pretty freaky.

Slightly Creepy


Just so you never forget your loved ones, Cremation Solutions is now offering a life-sized urn in the shape and semblance of the deceased's head. Personally, I think that's a little creepy; but whatever floats your boat, I guess.


Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Ten of the most ridiculous things lawyers and witnesses have said in court

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: ‘What disco am I at?’

Q: Was it you or your younger brother that was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Jeremy Clarkson Beatbox

What would happen if Jezza were an instrument? This, perhaps: